Happy New Year

Hi there Twiworld!

Did you miss me? Well I missed all of you! Remember the good old times when we used to celebrate New Year’s Eve on Isle Esme?

Get the champy out, it's HTD party time!

Well I wish all of you a happy new year with lots of great surprises and good times! And that you’ll all get over your classic New Year’s hangovers soon… Oh and also in case you’re planning your wedding this year, you can go and get your Bella wedding dress now. No joke. Don’t believe me? Here check it out, Alfred Angelo is indeed selling the Bella wedding gown. Then all that’s left to do is ask the Cullens if you can rent Isle Esme for your honeymoon and your good to go.

PS: Please don’t ask me how I ended up on their homepage. Kthxbye.

Wanna look like Bella on your big day? Now you can!

Just kidding I’m not done yet. You didn’t think I could let the fact that someone is actually selling Bella’s wedding dress pass without a few comments, right? So yeah in case you can’t tell sarcasm (you know like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory): I do NOT think anyone should buy this as their wedding dress. Ever. Cause I think weddings should be unique and special. And not Twilight copy cat weddings. Twilight inspired maybe but not Twilight copies. Plus please imagine your future husband being made fun of for the next 50 years by his buddies for actually letting his wife plan a Twiwedding. Lmao. I would never do that to my fiance. Oh wait I don’t have one right now… Well I wouldn’t do it to him if I had one.

Wanna show off your half-naked butt to your whole wedding party including your grandma? Now you can!

Might be the number 1 rule to get one anyway: Don’t ever mention wanting to plan a Twiwedding haha. Well I’m not too fond of Bella’s wedding dress anyways. I mean I think it fit in well with the movie (more on that in the soon to come review) but I wouldn’t choose it as a wedding gown for myself. Period. Unless Randy from Say Yes to the Dress would pick it for me. Cause you know Randy always knows best. Who else is basically in love with Randy and wants him to help pick her wedding dress? Anyone? If not get off here cause then we can’t be friends

Oh also has anyone seen Red Riding Hood? How did you like the newest project directed by Cathy Hardwicke, the woman who brought us Twilight aka the most sexy version of movie Edward in my opinion? SPOILER ALERT: 10 bucks say she wanted Billy Burke to play the wolf cause she thought it would mean he would have to run around shirtless for 90% of the movie. Cause you know she has a thing for him. and any other Twimen for that matter. Oh Cathy the Cougar, sometimes I really miss you…

a

Off to browse Alfred Angelo some more. Did you know they have a Disney collection? Now THAT is classy and super awesome. Cause who doesn’t love a stylish Disney princess?

a

Soul

a

(images: Alfred Angelo homepage; card made by me approximately 2 years ago)

Read Full Post »

And the next drama is on!

Over the last few days Hollywood Reporter and Hollywood Insider reported that the only thing holding up an official announcement of Breaking Dawn actually being made into two movies is… money. Big surprise, I know. So they said Ashey and Kellan want 4 million $. What? WTF? They want 4 million $ for two lines? For being in five scenes? That’s worth 4 mio? Dang, I definitely picked the wrong job!

Don't make the same mistake twice Summit

Then Summit said they might just kick out one of two to solve the whole problem. Uhm, what? I mean okay, Alice is gone for half of the book anyway and except for the armwrestling match there’s basically nothing that would make Emmett’s presence really necessary. But… Remember the last time you kicked someone out Summit? And yes, that most definitely is a reference to the Victoria debacle! Remember how that one ended? Yep, just like everything else… With a BAD WIG! And with me writing countless post where I throw in Rachelle Lefevre and her portrayal of Victoria and her wonderful hair and the fact that I wanna be BFFs with her.

Don't bring The Cougar back as Alice

So no Summit, I do NOT think that it’s a good idea to kick Ashley and Kellan out and instead equip Cathy Hardi with an alice and an Emmett wig. I KNOW she would love to return to the Twilight universe aka Rob and tons of other hot shirtless guys. Cause we all know that she’s a cougar like that and would do ANYTHING for that. But… JUST NO! Period! You made bazillions with this whole franchise and even though I do not think that they really deserve 4 million $ for their minor roles I think that you can still come up with a solution that does NOT involve anyone getting kicked out. So solve that shit please! We already got more than enough drama being conjured up in this fandom, we don’t need a new version of the Victoria debacle. Kthxbye!

Just another short note: I’m fully aware that today they will announce all the artists on the Eclipse soundtrack plus the nominees for the MTV Movie Awards. And yes, I plan on posting about it. On Friday. Because tomorrow is… yep, Rob’s birthday! So come back tomorrow for the huge party I’ll throw here! And then on Friday when we can chat up all the other Twi-News aka Kristen getting nominated TWICE in the best kiss category and Justin Bieber writing a song for the Eclipse soundtrack… Just kidding! Well, about the Bieber kid at least!

a

Off to get the party hats out

Soul

a

So what do you think about the whole Kellan-Ashley-Summit-drama? And the MTV nominations for New Moon? and the soundtrack? Leave a comment or e-mail me!

(images: Polyvore and Google)

Read Full Post »

Why the hardcore Robstens never fail to cheer me up

Almost every day there are new reports of Rob holding hands with Kristen / not holding hands with Kristen / secretly sharing a hotel room / whatever. And it’s nothing new that a huge part of the fandom is divided into pro-Rob-and-Kristeners (Robstens for short) and anti-Rob-and-Kristeners (Nonstens). As far as I’m concerned, I don’t really care who Rob is with. As long as he isn’t with me, it’s not really important who else he’s with. Cause let’s be honest, does it really matter if at the end of the day he has awesome mindblowing sex shares his Hot Pocket with Kristen, Ashley Greene, Nikki Reed Or Cathy Hardi? I don’t really care. Okay, maybe I would care if it was Cathy Hardi. Or Heidi Montag. Cause that would just be plain wrong in so many kinda ways. But as long as it’s a mostly normal young lady? I’m fine with it! Okay, I’m still convinced he could do way better with ME but whatever…

Alas there are others out there who do NOT take it as easy as I do. A few days ago I read a post where some of the Robstens went really crazy and said stuff like “those Nonstens are fat, ugly women who finally need to stop hating on Kristen and get a life”. And I was like woah, those chicks are mean! I used to be a Nonsten myself. I neither consider myself fat nor ugly. Okay, maybe I don’t have a life seeing that I managed to run this Twilight-Blog for over six months but otherwise… So I searched Google Images for Robsten pics. And guess who obviously DOESN’T have a life of their own? Yep, those very same crazy Robstens I mentioned above. Also, if you’re one of the normal Robstens simply thinking that Rob and Kristen would make a cute couple, please don’t feel offended! I only mean the crazy Robsten worshippers here! So look what they do in their free time:

They make photoshop manips of Rob and Kristen making out at the beach plus Rob sneakily attempting a boob grab in the middle of a photoshoot.

They take boob-ogling Rob out of that first pic and insert him in a pic where he now ogles… Kristen’s hoodie!? Hm, whatever…

They risk permanent eye damage in the attempt to prove that somewhere behind these tinted glasses there is actually Rob standing next to Kristen but at the same time completely forget what the real question is: Who belongs to that scary hand with tons of rings and that Matrix-style leather coat on the right???

They analize the holes in Rob’s shirt to prove that Kristen is wearing one of his shirts from time to time. Okay, they are absolutely right when it comes to this… she IS wearing Rob’s shirt here!

They probably act out this very scene from Rob and Kristen at a Kings of Leon concert to prove that they were holding hands here because this exact combination of entwined fingers is only possible if you are holding hands with the love of your life, obviously. (Honestly, how can they tell a pinkie and a thumb apart on that crappy quality pic?)

They look at pictures of Rob and Kristen coming back from the Eclipse re-shoots in Vancouver and pay enough attention to all the details to realize that green bag that belongs to Kristen but that Rob carried for her.

a

Damn, who needs to get a life now?

Soul

a

I’ll say it again: If you are a NORMAL Robsten or Nonsten please don’t feel offended! I just read that really mean article somewhere and thought I had to share all of this. So what are your Robsten (or Nonsten) thoughts? Pro? Con? Don’t care as long as Rob is not with you? Who else would you love to see Rob with? Leave a comment or e-mail me!

(images: all found by googling “Robsten”)

Read Full Post »

Huge Eclipse Scandal… or maybe not aka What happens when Summit doesn’t fill us in

This is a long story, but I try to sum it all up for you! Yesterday all hell broke loose on Twitter. And no, it had (unfortunately) nothing to do with Rob leaking a sex-tape. So here is all the information that overflowed the internet:

• they have to re-shoot scenes for Eclipse
• among those scenes are action sequences and parts of the meadow scene
• they would have needed one week but want to go for three 18 hour days because of Rob’s filming schedule
• Summit has “creative differences” with David Slade and considers to let Chris Weitz or Catherine Hardwicke shoot the missing stuff

Are you close to hyperventilating? Cause yep, that’s definitely the kind of news that should come with the dramatic vampire look! Honestly, CLICK IT!

I already saw all the Twihards losing it completely and freaking out. Announcements of a rescheduled Eclipse premiere in August popped up in my head and I internally laughed my ass off at all the craziness that would ensue from this. I mean, just imagine Cathy Hardi re-shooting the meadow scene with Rob and Kristen. Oh the brilliancy of that… But then, a few hours later Summit spilled the beans and told us what of those rumors was actually true. NOTHING! Well, almost… They said they have to re-shoot some stuff but neither parts of the meadow scene nor action sequences and it would only take two to three days and they love David Slade’s work so far and do NOT consider letting any other director shoot scenes for Eclipse blablabla… the usual Summit stuff they ALWAYS give us. Aka NOTHING interesting. At all. And I gotta say I was almost a little disappointed. Cause I would have LOVED to see The Cougar back in action on set… At least that would have been SOMETHING! I mean have you realized that the premiere is only about 10 weeks away? And we got basically nothing? I could swear this time before New Moon we had about 5 trailers, 4 different “meet Jacob Black” versions, tons of different posters plus behind the scenes and 3 sneak peeks. And what new stuff did we get for Eclipse? THIS!

Uhm yeah, nice try Summit… See, you should keep the fans informed instead of waiting for hours after all those rumors come out to give a statement. I bet you are responsible for at least 3 758 239 cases of hyperventilating and 314 Harry Clearwater-like heart-attacks that occurred yesterday after some of the hardcore fans heard the “news” about the Eclipse re-shoots! Think about that next time you try to just keep quiet and hope no one will notice anything. Cause your chances that no one will care when it comes to Twilight are zero! Or rather lower than zero! So don’t tell me I didn’t warn you next time something like this happens!

a

Off to kick some Summit asses cause someone HAS to do that

Soul

a

So what do you say? Shouldn’t have Summit told the public that they were doing minor re-shoots to prevent Twitter from going crazy? Did you freak out when you first heard the (fake) news? Do you wish that they would have brought Cathy Hardi back for some scenes? Cause I do! Which is weird… but true! Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(video: Youtube; image: Eclipsemovie.org)

Read Full Post »

The one that REALLY got me excited – plus what our awesome readers think about the Eclipse trailer

Today it’s finally time for the real Eclipse trailer review. Before I start with my own thoughts, I thought I would share two comments we received here on the blog first, just in case you missed them. Cause they’re hilarious. Trust me! So let’s start with what our lovely reader purple.is.cool had to say:

Something bothers me about the second picture. As if Edward was wearing a wig, too… He looks neither angelic nor like a Greek god to me there. Just an average handsome guy who has been dipped in whitewash. You are right, Bella, it IS time to visit the optometrist.
As for Edward’s speech problems, that was RPattz trying to sound all honey and velvet, girls…

Dear purple.is.cool, THIS is how Edward looks with a wig...

No, purple.is.cool, Edward isn’t wearing a wig. That’s just his special meadow sex hair! But to be honest, I liked his Twilight look best. That was the hottest Edward for me. I gotta give you that, Cathy Hardi… Still, I think all in all Eclipse Edward looks better than New Moon Edward. Even though technically he should look exactly the same in every movie cause you know, he’s a vampire and stuff. As for Edward’s honey and velvet voice, I hope this is not it. Cause this is not how Rob’s sexy voice sounds in my numerous dreams where I make out with him in my imagination. Nevertheless I fear that purple.is.cool might be right there…

Let’s hear what the lovely Dot has to say!

I thought that I was the only one who noticed that Jacobs abs are gone… Are they on a vacation or what? Maybe Taylor thought that since Kristen’s wearing a real ugly wig no one will notice his little “beer belly”. I know that I’m probably complaining but I’m not to impressed with this trailer and I hope they will release another version of it.

Haha, the thought that the very shiteous Bella wig might be more captivating than Taylor’s abs really cracks me up. The day that this becomes true is a really sad day for the whole Twidom… but a very funny one at the same time. At least for me. Cause I can turn ANYTHING into a huge joke, obviously.

So now about my own opinion: To be honest I’m so with Dot here. I was not too impressed by it. Somehow the first ever New Moon trailer got me WAY more excited than this one for Eclipse did. I mean, there were a few good parts in it but all in all it was a little lame. Sorry to say! But then I found this gem:

Uhm hello? THIS is how the trailer should have been! This video is barely longer than the trailer but oh just so much better! All the Cullens look AMAZING! So much hotter than I’m used to… And the Victoria green screen stunt scene is awesome. I mean I still wish that was Rachelle flying and jumping around there but nevertheless it seems so cool in a fancy action kinda way. And then the fight scenes! Trees flying around? A bunch of shirtless jorts-wearing Indian boys showing their abs plus the Cullens looking absolutely their BEST. This might be the first time that I really love the Rosalie hair. THIS really got me excited for Eclipse! I guess that’s the reason why I already watched it 18 times by the time I write this post. Just kidding. Or maybe not.

a

Can June come soon, please? Like… NOW?

Soul

a

PS: Thanks purple.is.cool and Dot for letting me use your awesome comments and for just hanging around here on the blog! Your comments always crack me up!

a

So what was your impression of the first Eclipse trailer? And how do you like the sneak peek? Do you think that it’s way better, just like me? Which ones were your favorite parts? And did you laugh your asses of at Dot’s and purple.is.cool’s comments? Cause I’m sure I did! So whatever it is, leave a comment or e-mail me! I might even feature you in a future post, you never know…

(video: YouTube; image: Google)

Read Full Post »

The Scandals that could have caused the editor change, sexy naked booty pics and other stuff

The 1st HTD-pic of David Slade, who is so small he would almost pass as a Hobbit

By now you probably all know that Summit promised to show us a ten second Eclipse teaser trailer today. So I thought today would be a great day to talk a little about the Eclipse editor change. You know, the one where the old editor left and they went back to the one who had done Twilight. So what was it that caused that editor change I wondered. Here are a few things I came up with:

• Taylor forgot to take off his shirt in one scene. But Taylor wearing a shirt in Eclipse is NOT TOLERABLE so Summit got mad and now they have to cgi out the shirt and cgi in the abs

• Edward’s Eclipse make-up was in some scenes even more obvious than in New Moon and made him almost look like a drag queen so now they have to fix that (Yep, I just said Edward and drag queen in one sentence. No, I probably won’t do that again. Ever.)
• 

  Uhm, where did the jorts go?

  The wolfpack cut their jorts waaayyy to short so you could actually see their booties and they were afraid that might be too sexy to get a PG13 rating (I wonder if the wolfpack booties are as hot as Paul Wesley’s looked in “Wolf Lake”…)

• Kristen did neither stumble nor blink nor fall down often enough to be recognized as Bella

• someone realized that Cathy Hardi had somehow managed to sneak in as Tanya claiming that she is already the perfect strawberry blonde

These are only a few of all the things that came to my mind. And I hope that none of it is true! Well, except for the supershort jorts maybe…

So dear Summit, I gotta admit that I’m pretty excited to see those ten seconds. I know that this won’t be a real scene, just a little something to make sure we make it to the Remember Me premiere to see the first full Eclipse trailer. But you kept us waiting like FOREVER so it better be something good. And not something like THIS:

Cause no, just the title flashing up is NOT enough. But oh hey, I just saw you promised a 90 second trailer for tomorrow. Awesome! I’ll check it out and then let you know what I think about it, deal? Great!

a

Off to get popcorn to watch the first tidbit of Eclipse (FINALLY)

Soul

a

PS: Thanks so much to our dear reader Dot who sent me the link to Paul Wesley’s booty pic a couple of days ago. I’ve basically been looking for a reason to post it ever since…

a

Before you ask me: Yes, I will definitely post all the trailer stuff here as soon as there’s a good version available that I can embed here! So are you excited even if it’s just ten seconds? Any other idea what could have caused the editor change? Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(images: google; video: YouTube)

Read Full Post »

While we not discuss the Eclipse Editor change right now…

First of all before all our 100 000 readers send us mails (just joking, we don’t have that many readers… yet ) yes, we KNOW there has been an editor change for Eclipse. And yes, we’re planning to post about it. And yes, it’s gonna be EPIC! So just leave us a couple more days to finish it all, okay? Thanks, you’re awesome!

So meanwhile, why don’t you just read this fantabulous interview with Chris Weitz I found? Questions in bold, answers normal and my comments in turquiose. Ready? Go!

a

Yep, I totally planning on posting the famour orange pants pic in every single post I'll ever write about Chris Weitz!

There are lots of different editions of the New Moon DVD. Which bonus features are you particularly excited about?
I’m excited that my voice will finally be heard! For me, the fun thing was doing the commentary with Peter Lambert, my editor, because it kind of re-created the atmosphere in the cutting room. Peter’s a really funny guy, and we were able to delve into not only the behind-the-scenes moments, but to explain why certain things were shot or cut together in certain ways. So that, for me, was the most fun.

Ah, I loved the Twilight commentary. It was so good. And it started some of the Twilight-Insider jokes like the Cathy the Cougar / Solomon Trimble rumor. And Rob saying “cheeseburgahs“? Priceless! Can’t wait to hear Chris talking over the movie foe two and a half hours… but alas neither Rob nor Kristen nor Taylor doing a commentary? Honestly? FAIL!

When you go back and watch it again, are there things you’d like to change if you could?
I would like to never have shot Rob and Kristen running through the forest and Kristen’s just turned into a vampire. Because everybody always laughs and it makes me feel terrible. [Laughs] I would have shot it a different way so it wouldn’t get that response. But otherwise, I’m very happy with things.

So you regret the awkward running through the woods scene, Chris? Uhm, you SHOULD! It is ridiculous! And yes, people laugh at this point EVERY SINGLE TIME. But hey, New Moon is pretty dark and depressing at times and we all need a few laughs from time to time so… We’ll forgive you.

You must get lots of questions abut Rob and Kristen. Do you laugh it off or are you totally sick of hearing about it?

Yep, I totally photoshopped Chris Weitz's head on Albus Dumbledore's body. Cause I'm awesome (and bored) like that...

I’m somewhat clueless — when you’re the director, you’re kind of like the school principal. Nobody really tells you anything. You really have no idea what’s going on. I’m the last person who would know about this kinda stuff. I’m sure you could get more from reading the paper.

The director is like a school principal? Oh the pictures in my head… imagine Chris Weitz in Albus Dumbledore’s outfit. Brilliant, huh? I so hope
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa he wears that to the next premiere!

What was your favorite scene to shoot in New Moon?
I’m very fond of the memories that a lot of the scenes invoke in me. My favorite scene is probably somewhere between the very last scene, and the cliffhanger that it’s left on, and the scenes in Italy. Just the experience shooting those scenes was so magnificent. We were in this beautiful hillside town in Tuscany, and going home to fresh-made pasta every night, and surrounded by thousands of fans of the series while we were shooting it. I know I’ll never experience anything like that ever again.

Tuscany, Mama Soul’s favorite place on earth EVER. We spent so many holidays there when I was a child that I almost felt at home there. Oh Chris, you should have taken my dear Mama Soul with you! And she can make awesome Italian food! Homemade pasta and everything. Oh yes, and then the two of you could have hooked me up with Rob or something… Just saying.

What’s your take on the rumors that Breaking Dawn will likely be two movies, possibly in 3D?
3D seems to be the new thing that everything has to be. I think the good thing about 3D is that it can lend tremendous depth to a picture, and really make it extraordinarily lush, visually. And also that it gets people to go out to the theater. Film directors want people to see things in the theater, on the big screen, at least the first time. So that’s a good thing. As for the book being broken up into two films, I think it’s a good idea. There’s so much material in the final book that I think it’s warranted.

Zelda and I had a little brainstorming whether or not we like the thought of Breaking Dawn in 3D. We made a pro and contra list and I promise to post it as soon as it’s finished!

Oh, and look what Chris said to PEOPLE:

“I’m looking forward to the sleeping bag scene, I gotta say. That’s going to be very steamy.”

A hot steamy tent scene even Chris Weitz is looking forward to? I can’t wait to see that one! Only 116 days to go!

a

Off to prepare those two EPIC posts I just promised

Soul

a

You still got time until tonight 12 pm to enter our Razzie Contest. So do it NOW! And if you can think of any pro and contras for 3D Breaking Dawn I might have forgotten on my list, then tell me! Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(interview: via Twifans; images: google)

Read Full Post »

New Moon and the Razzies aka We discuss the REAL stuff

Okay, to all of you who haven’t already heard about it, take a seat. Today we got something serious to talk about. New Moon was nominated for four awards. No, it’s NOT the Oscars. It’s the Razzies aka The Golden Raspberry aka the Anti-Oscar. The nominees are RPattz for best supporting actor, KStew with either RPattz or Taylor for worst on screen couple (in your faces Robstens! Sorry…), worst sequel and worst screenplay. Now I said it and you all know it. Let’s not freak out about it. Zelda and I liked New Moon quite a lot but there were also things we didn’t like. That’s why we handed out the “Dazzling Raspberry” about two months ago. So if you wanna read about what bothered us about this movie then go there. But the real question is not whether New Moon deserves its four nominations or if it’s gonna win.

Instead let’s discuss the REAL questions about New Moon & the Razzies!

1. Is Chris Weitz going to show up even though he himself is NOT nominated for worst director? And even more important, will he wear the orange pants?

2. Did Rob see this coming and therefore let his beard grow hoping no one would recognize him by the time they announce the nominees?

3. Will Taylor show up and NOT realize that those are awards you do NOT actually want to win? And will he pull off his usual “I’m proud to be part of the awesome Summit production New Moon and I wanna thank my personal trainer who managed to keep me constantly eating in order to gain 32 pounds of pure abs in only 6 months” speech?

4. Will Big Daddy Lautner be there not realizing what those awards are and make another “A day in the life of my sexy martial arts performing, singing and acting younger self son” homemade video with the Lautner family camera? Plus will he somehow manage to subtly make this a promo vid for Olive Garden?

5. Will Cathy Hardwicke show up to rub in all our faces that Twilight was not nominated for one single Razzie? Will she make the famous “Cathy the Cougar down with the kids” red carpet pose she invented? And will Solomon Trimble be here date for the evening?

So many questions and such few answers. Guess we’ll just have to wait until march 6th to get all the information that REALLY matters. Cause to be honest, I don’t care if New Moon wins an Oscar or a Razzie (or maybe all four of them). I’ll still like the movie the same. So don’t be depressed now! Join in the fun and laugh about it! Plus it would SO make my day if Chris really showed up in the famous orange pants! Just saying.

a

Off to write a fan-letter to Chris Weitz’ orange pants (honestly, I LOVE them!)

Saveyoursoul

a

Hope no one of you cried when you found out. I had to laugh about it. Maybe cause I kinda saw it coming… So as I said above, join in the fun and participate in our contest!

HOW TO DAZZLE RAZZIE CONTEST

Leave a comment or send an e-mail with a question like the ones I posted above. You know, the stuff that REALLY matters We’ll choose the best ones and award them in a special post we’ll publish before the Razzies. Don’t hesitate, participate right now! Cause it’s fun! And we love e-mails and comments! So let the Razzie Contest begin!

(images: google)

Read Full Post »

Taylor mans the phone at the Haiti telethon and gets a call from “Nikki”

Okay, first of all before you read on we want to clear something up: We do not make fun of the people in Haiti or the horrible earthquake that destroyed so many people’s lifes. I watched the Hope for Haiti telethon and was overwhelmed by how many celebrities participated (was there anyone who did NOT participate?). This is just our way to try and put a few smiles back on some of your faces after you hopefully all cried your eyes out at the pictures we’ve all seen and donated at least a few dollars. So now that we got that cleared up, let’s start!
Comments from Zelda and me are in blue.

The Hope for Haiti Now telethon is on air. Somewhere in Venice Beach a lovely women is close to hang up the phone for the 214th time when she finally succeeds and the following conversation takes place:

Taylor: Hello, this is Taylor Lautner, actor from Summit’s franchise hitproduction The Twilight Saga – New Moon and the awesome person who managed to put on 32 pounds of pure abs in only six months. What can I do for you?
(Uhm, I know something you could do for me, ifyouknowwhatimean…)
Woman: Hi Taylor! I saw your last movie and I loved you in it. You rocked your jorts!
Taylor: Uhm, thank you. So what is your name?
Woman: Cath… uhm… Nikki! Right, my name is Nikki!
Taylor: Okay, Nikki. It’s really nice of you to participate in our Hope for Haiti Now telethon. So what do you want to donate?
Woman: What?
Taylor: We’re here to collect donations for the people in Haiti who lost so much because of that horrible earthquake. So how much do you want to donate to help these poor people?
(Doesn’t seem like “Nikki” is interested so much in the poor people in Haiti… so why did she call?)
Woman: Uhm, listen Taylor! I called 213 times within the last 53 minutes. I hung up on Julia Roberts, Steven Spielberg and Leonardo DiCaprio (hm, why did I hang up on him?) just to get you on the phone. If I had really wanted to simply donate a few dollars I could’ve done so about 53 minutes ago.
(You hung up on these three? Why? Oh, right, because Taylor is so much cooler than Julia, Steven and Leo combined…)
Taylor: So… do you wanna say that you don’t intend to donate anything for the poor suffering people in Haiti? Cause then you shouldn’t block this line. Other people try to call to give money, you know…
Woman: Okay, maybe we could make an arrangement. My daughter is a huge fan of Sharkboy and Lavagirl. (THUMPS UP for sharkboy, yeah!!) What about you show up on her birthday party next saturday and sing that wonderful dream song for her?
Taylor: This is a charity event where we collect money for the people in Haiti. I don’t really see how me showing up to your daughter’s party could help them…
Woman: Okay, okay, calm down Taytay. (Oh my god, did she just call him “Taytay”?) What if I say I’ll donate 15 000 $ right now if you promise to show up on saturday? (15 000 $ for you daughter’s birthday party? What is this? MTV’s My Super Sweet sixtee? Oh no, wait. Then it would have to be 15 million $, right? What Taylor doesn’t know: This woman doesn’t have a daughter… COUGAR ALARM!)
Taylor: Uhm, that’s very generous of you but I’m not sure if I’m allowed to make this kind of deal. I’m just here to take phone calls. You know, I’m only seventeen, so for every other kind of arrangement I gotta ask Big Daddy Lautner first. Unfortunately he spends the evening at the Olive Garden.
(Yeah, where else, but at the awesome, omnipresent Olive Garden…. brought to you by Taylor Lautner, its new fanboy. And yes, Taylor totally calls his own dad Big Daddy Lautner, that’s right!)
Woman: Okay, what if I said my daughter’s birthday was on february 12th? Would you be free to make a decision on your own then?
Taylor: Oh well, that’s one day after my 18th birthday… (Really?? Is it?? What a big coincidence) What would I have to do?
Woman: Uhm, just come over and entertain me… I mean my daughter and her friends. Wear that Sharkboy jumpsuit, sing that song, maybe do a little martial arts stuff… the usual.
Taylor: And if I say yes now, you’ll immediately donate 15 000 $ for the people in Haiti?
(The “Taylor Lautner Show”: Amazing martial arts like you’ve never seen them before, performed by sharkboy, the hero of your youth….. Get the awesome special offer for only 15 000 $ NOW!!)
Woman: Okay, coming to think of it, I could donate something a lot more precious than 15 000 $. You know, I got that tape from an audition those two young people did on my bed some time ago.
Taylor: What? Which tape are you talking about? Is this any kind of sex-tape? I’m gonna hang up now!
Woman: No! Wait! It’s not a sex-tape. Just a sizzling audition involving a few super hot kisses on my magical bed.
Taylor: Okay I’m really sorry for your (non-existant made up) daughter and stuff but… Wait! Cathy Hardwicke? Is that you?
Woman: What? No! I said my name was Nikki! Didn’t you listen? Nikki! (Yeah, blame it all on your former BFF Nikki Reed, why not?)
Taylor: Don’t try to fool me! Are you trying to sell the Robsten audition tapte you once promised MTV instead of donating for the poor people in Haiti?
Woman: I don’t have a Robsten tape. And I would never give it away. Plus I didn’t promise MTV to give them the tape. And as I said I don’t even have a tape. The tape is secret. And how dare you question my identity? I’m Nikki. And no one else. Period.

Hello Chris Hansen, I need your help...

Taylor: Okay, whoever you are Cathy Hardi, I got Chris Hansen on speed dial. And because we record every call tonight I got proof that you tried to lure me into your house. And I know that you’re fully aware that I’m seventeen. That’s only legal in Georgia. So are you in Georgia right now?
(Uhm Taylor, I am, you know, and it’s a REALLY nice place, you should check it out, sometime. I could show you around and stuff… just saying….)
Woman: Uhm, no. I’m on my magic bed (Ah, the famous bed where the magic happened…) in Venice Beach. But I don’t know what that has to do with this call and… Who’s that guy peering through my window right now? Oh no you haven’t! Did you just call Chris Hansen and send him over to me? Are you serious? I’m the woman who casted you in the first place! Without me you would never have had the chance to prove the potential of your abs! That’s not fair! Chris Weitz get’s all the praise and I’m stuck with Solomon Trimble, the boy who almost was Quil or Embry or whoever and I picked Rob and now this girl with the mullet…

We leave this scene while C.Hardi, or let’s call her Cathy H. freaks out on the phone for ten minutes even after Taylor hung up to get some REAL donators on the phone. The last thing we see before all fades to black is the door of the magical bedroom bursting as Chris Hansen enters the room.

That’s it! The longest How to Dazzle post ever! I promised yesterday to post something spectacular today and I think I did (with a little help from Zelda, of course)!

a

Off to check if Cathy Hardi has been arrested

Saveyoursoul

a

Satisfied with this super spectacular post? Do you have any insane fantasies about Taylor singing that Sharkboy song just like Cathy? What else could have happened? Who else could have called Taylor? Have you watched the telethon? Tell us! Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(image: Twifans.com)

Read Full Post »

How Jasper dazzled me in Twilight

Haha, I bet Zelda is going to love this post! Even though she has absolutely no idea I ever wrote it. Nor has she ever heard me mention that Jasper dazzled me… So a few days ago I was thinking about the time when I first read Twilight and how I felt about the whole thing. And then suddenly I remembered a very strange detail, something I had completely forgotten about.

The scene in the book that made me fall for Jasper. Had I known Edward could look like THAT...

I guess you all remember the cafeteria scene in the book when Bella gets to see the Cullens for the first time. There’s a description of the three boys without mentioning their names at first. And of course I didn’t know yet which one was the guy she would end up with so I picked my favorite. Cause I’m superficial like that. No, I mean I’m usually not but at this point all that Stephenie Meyer gives us is a description of how they look, nothing else. And guess what? I picked JASPER! Unbelievably, but true nevertheless. The muscular guy with the blonde hair. I chose him over the rest. Then in second came Emmett, the broad even more muscular one with the dark hair. And then last in my ranking there was Edward. Thinner, not as muscular as his (fake) brothers with his bronze hair. I already said in another post I’m one for the sporty and athletic type. Plus, bronze hair? Honestly Stephenie? Bronze? What stupid hair color is that? Have you seen the awful stuff girls all over the world do to photos of random hot guys when they wanna make them look like Edward? All I’m saying here is that “bronze” was not a good idea. Sorry to say!

Let's hope Edward didn't look like THAT in Stephenie's head...

So yes it’s true Zelda, there was a time when Jasper was MY favorite too!Of course then there came the restaurant and the meadow scene and the morning after that and I fell for Edward but right at the beginning I would have chosen both of his brothers over him. When I saw Twilight the movie I liked Edward best, but that’s another thing… plus his hair here is a nice decent shade of BROWN rather than BRONZE. Not sure if that’s got something to do with it though. Oh, and did I mention I still feel betrayed cause Cathy the Cougar denied us a real meadow scene? And completely left out the morning after that? Cause I do! I have no idea if that was really her decision but I’ll just blame it on her. I don’t care who’s really responsible. I just need someone to blame in order to calm down again. So in case you stumble across this, dear David Slade, GIVE US THE LEG HITCH! Cause guess who I’ll blame if that one is left out as well… Just saying. Okay, guess that’s it. My confession. So dear Edward, if you by any chance read this, it is true. Just from the way Stephenie described all the Cullens I would have chosen Jasper. But don’t be angry with me now, cause you completely had me after the meadow scene. Despite that strange sleeveless button-up shirt you wore… but that’s another post, I guess…

a

Off to look at more creepy pics of bronze-haired Edward

Saveyoursoul

a

What do you remember about reading Twilight for he first time? Who do you like best out of the Cullen boys? what were your favorite scenes in the books? Did Cathy leave them out as well? Tell us by leaving a comment or send us an e-mail!

(images: google; yes, you can find stuff like that if you type in Edward Cullen…)

Read Full Post »