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Archive for the ‘Twi-porn’ Category

Uhm, I only had time to type in the headline cause I woke up to something… unexpected… So, I promise to give you the full post as soon as possible! And it will include AWESOME videos that might involve Bella and Edward. Or Rob and Kristen. You’ll find out in about three hours, promise! So keep checking back cause you know you don’t wanna miss this amazing piece of awesomeness that this post will develop into! ;-)

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Off to find out how the hell I ended up having to sneak to the bathroom with someone else’s laptop to type these few lines for you…

Soul

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UPDATE: Here comes the real post!
So now that I’m finally home with my laptop I proudly present you the leaked Isle Esme videos! And GO!

The one where they do the hula dance

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The one that DOESN’T fade to black but makes you wish it would

See, I keep my promises! Aren’t those the sexiest videos you’ve ever seen? Do you now understand why it is sometimes better to have a fade to black? Now we finally know what they do at Isle Esme… ;-)

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Happy Sunday! Off to dance the hula

Soul

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Honestly, how awesome are those vids? Coconut bikinis and hula skirts? Edward dry humping the door frame? Priceless! What do you think, are there any other videos that I should have included here? The one where they dance Chippendales-style? Oh yes, that video REALLY exists. I’m not cool enough to make stuff like that up you know… ;-) So leave a comment or e-mail us!

(videos: Youtube)

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This is Monday, the day we usually post hilarious Twi-related pics to start work with a laugh. Only, this is also Easter, a holiday where most of you probably DON’T have to work. So I decided to post random Easter pics right from Mama Soul’s house and then add a few funny Monday things at the end. Good idea? Yeah, I thought so too! ;-)

Oh look, the Easter bunny sent me the most delicious chocolates! (hint: They’re hidden in the little orange box) Plus please love the little lambs and bunnies and ducks and stuff there.

And then guess what the awesome Mama Soul herself… uhm sorry, I meant THE EASTER BUNNY got me! The MAGIC MOUSE! Which fits oh so perfectly with my MacBook. So be prepared for Easter themed Rob-porn and a post about Easter at the Cullens which will come your way in the next couple of days. All made with my fantabulous, brandnew magic mouse! Oh I love it so muach! And no, I didn’t have a mouse for my laptop until now…Wanna know how usually blog? Have a look! Like Cathy Hardi once said about her bed: “This is where the magic happens!”

Yep, it’s all white. Even my harddrive (which is NOT in this picture) is white. Because it makes me look so stylish sitting there with my lappy. You know, just like Carrie Bradshaw… ;-)

Alright, now over to the funny Monday stuff I promised. Which is only one pic instead of the usual five I post. But I promise it’s exponentially more hilarious! Plus it made me think of Easter when I saw it the first time. I don’t know why cause that doesn’t make any sense cause there are only kittens in it and no bunnies but whatever…

Photoshop for life! Oh, and super tight pink and purple bodysuits for life! Is this how Easter at the Robsten mansion looks? I don’t hope so. I’d rather say it looks like THIS:

Haha, sorry! I just HAD to post it again! Plus to be honest that is EXACTLY how I imagine Rob. Lying there in the “very sexy Easter Bunny costume” he ordered on Ebay, trying to seduce Kristen. I so hope he wears this in his upcoming sex-tape as well! ;-)

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Off to make Easter themed Rob-porn with my magic mouse! Funny Monday!

Soul

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So how was your Easter? Did you hang out with your family? Did you make Easter Rob-porn? Wanna send it over?? Please DO! And what would you say is Easter at the Cullens or at the wolfpack headquarters aka at Emily’s like? Leave a comment!

(images: Google, Twitter and me)

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Another month has passed. This means it’s time for our little finding our blog via Google feature again. You know, the one where we share stuff people googled when they ended up here on How To Dazzle. While most of the time it’s pretty boring stuff, we sometimes come across rather hilarious things. Maybe I should add here that these are all things people REALLY typed in on Google. None of this is made up!

Is Bella about to take her shirt off? Is Edward about to kiss Aro? We'll never know...

icq pattinson: Uhm, I rather doubt that Rob is a huge fan of ICQ chats. But if he IS, then I guarantee you you won’t find his number by looking for it on Google. Or maybe I’m just pretending he doesn’t have ICQ cause I already have his number and don’t want to share… You’ll never know, that’s between Rob and me, sorry. ;-)

bella new moon shirtless: There was a scene in New Moon where Bella was shirtless? And I missed it? Damn! Also this makes me wonder, did ANYONE in this movie wear a shirt at all? Just asking…

heel fucking: Uhm, WHAT???

edward volturi kiss: Edward kisses the Volturi? And I missed that as well? Edward kissing Aro and Caius (Marcus was probably too bored to join)… Oh the sexyness of those images… ;-)

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Hot guys with sixpacks? Check!

hot guys with sixpacks: Oh yes, we got a couple of these here at our blog. I can’t deny that one.

vagina dazzling: Uhm, WHAT??? Honestly guys, this is neither a porn nor a sex-blog nor are we the Cosmopolitan giving those super handy dandy sex-tips. Well, we might give a little sex-advice from time to time… but I doubt we’re the Twiworld’s Cosmopolitan.
Or are we? Maybe I just didn’t realize it until now…

gay twi-porn: Oh come on, now you are kidding me! Right? RIGHT??? I mean, what is gay twi-porn supposed to be? the Volturi getting it on? I’d rather NOT imagine that one…

Can you believe it? This is just a small amount of the google searches that end up on our blog. But why are most of them porn / sex related these days? what did we do to make all those creepy perverts / bored housewives / lonely Twigirls end up on our blog? Does anyone else have the suspicion that the one googling “vagina dazzling” was actually a guy? Do you think he was disappointed to end up here on our blog? Oh the fun I have reading through our google list everyday…^^

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Off to find out how all those porn people ended up here

Soul

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Do you have any explanation as to why we are so popular among sex-googlers (yep I made that word up!) lately? And how did YOU find our blog? Tell us all about it! Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(images: google)

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So this is the day. The big day we’ve all been waiting for for such a long time. The day Taylor Lautner turns eighteen. The day we no longer have to be afraid of Chris Hansen knocking on our windows. No more jail jokes. No more legal in Georgia jokes. So many changes for all of us… So how could we kick off what we call from now on Taylor Lautner day? Yeah, you heard me right, Taylor Lautner day, that’s definitely a holiday! Or at least should be… So I working really hard for several days to plan this awesome birthday party for Taylor. Oh yes, I definitely feel like his party planner by now… So here we go! Enjoy our super special one of a kind Taylor Lautner turns eighteen birthday post!

At first pick one of those two super awesome birthday songs I chose and click play! Your options are:

A somewhat rockier version by The Beatles

A somewhat sexier version by Mariah Carey

(Hey Taylor, in your case I would recommend this version! Honestly, this woman stands for everything important about being eighteen! Sex (tiny little dresses always being a little bit too tight) and alcohol (*yep, we’re allowed to drink at eighteen here!* cause nothing screams alcohol like being drunk at an award show…)!

And now that you have that lovely tune playing in the background, go on and watch all that awesome stuff I did with photoshop… ;-)

Taylor Lautner – finally FREE!

Taylor Lautner – legal at Mt Rushmore

Taylor and his Daniel Craig walk – legal in Hollywood

Taylor and his cowboy hat – legal in Texas (cause remember? Everything’s BIGGER in Texas… ifyouknowwhatimean)

Taylor and his awesome martial arts stunts – legal in Sin City Las Vegas

Taylor and his unbuttoned shirt – legal in Washington (aka in front of President Obama’s new home)

Taylor, his surfboard and his Hula skirt – legal in Hawaii

So let’s not be sad about the future absence of jail / Chris Hansen / legal in Georgia jokes. Let’s be happy and celebrate this day together! On the count of three let’s all say it OUT LOUD! Ready? 1 – 2 – 3 aaannnnddd

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TAYLOR LAUTNER!

Oh, and look what I found on my harddrive! I guess this is the last day that I’ll get away with posting it so enjoy this piece of Twi-porn while it’s hot (pun SO intended!):

Uhm, yes I would buut… fortunately I don’t have to anylonger! YAY! So dear Taylor, I don’t want to keep you busy here. Instead go out and do what everyone should do on an 18th birthday! Party through the whole night, drink, surround yourself with super hot chicks… and do NOT no matter what happens, I repeat do NOT, drunk-call any of you ex-girlfriends. Not even if she wasn’t oficially your gf! This includes Selena Gomez aka the Disney Princess and Taylor Swift! Cause nothing is worse than waking up the day after your birthday and not remembering anything remembering you drunkenly called your ex-gf in a pointless attempt to make a booty call win her back. So with this advice from someone a bit older (but not necessarily more mature):

GET THE PARTY STARTED! RIGHT NOW!

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Have a good time!

Your lovely, awesome and super sexy party planner

Saveyoursoul

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PS: Major thanks to Zelda for helping me out yesterday when I had nothing to come up with but four photoshop manips… So yeah Taylor, she’s also part or our fantabulous party planner team. And you should have invited us! Just saying… Wonder how you’re going to make up for that… ;-)

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Did you like Taylor’s pink hula skirt? Cause I do…^^ So be prepared cause we celebrate a special week here at HTD! We got a Taylor 2nd-hand-embarrassment post coming plus Valentine’s day draws near and OF COURSE this means some major awesomeness… Be prepared! Meanwhile to keep yourself busy in case Taylor forgot to invite you to his birthday party, why don’t you just leave a comment or e-mail us? Or follow us on Twitter!

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Monday again. But today is somewhat special cause this is our last funny Monday stuff post before Taylor Lautner turns eighteen on february 11th. In three days. So today I decided to make a super awesome Taylor Lautner Monday edition. Here we go!

Ah, dear photographer, you just made it too easy to cut Kristen out… And yes. I would totally choose either one of those two over Bella. They’re just less whiny. And so much hotter. Screw Bella! ;-)

Uhm, yes he can! I don’t mind being a cougar anymore. Or wait, since I’m only in my early twenties, am I old enough to be a cougar? Don’t you have to be somewhat older than that? Ah whatever, just come over Jacob! There’s snow outside and it’s pretty darn cold ifyouknowwhatimsaying…

Oh yes, the Swiftner breakup. Did anyone else think it kinda funny that their first statement concerning their relationship was that they don’t have one? Just saying…

This one is definitely one of my all time favorites. Anything I could say about it would just ruin the wonderful mood it spreads… ;-)

No more jail jokes, no more legal in Georgia shout outs… after waiting so long for Taylor’s birthday it almost makes me sad that we’ll lose the wonderful opportunity to make all those wonderful jokes about a guy who’s buffer than any seventeen year old should be allowed to. But we’ll make it all a huge party here on HTD anyway. For sure!

Guess what I found while picking those pics for this post? Taylor Lautner Twi-porn that won’t quite work after february 11th… Maybe I should post that sometime over the next two days. Just saying. Cause I know you can’t wait to see it! ;-)

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Off to prepare our Taylor-turns-eighteen aka No-more-jail-and-Georgia-jokes post

Saveyoursoul

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Are there any jail / Georgia jokes we HAVEN’T made about Taylor yet? I don’t really think so. Are you excited for our super special post? Did you like this special edition of funny Monday stuff? Which one was your favorite pic? Let us know! Leave a comment or e-mail us!

(images: Polyvore)

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Yay, today is our 3 month anniversary. I can’t believe Zelda and I already made it through 3 months of Twi-blogging without one single serious argument. I feel like such an awful lot of exciting stuff has happened during that time. We decided to make a super special post when we reach the 6 months mark! Today we just tell you about all the crazy stuff people google when they end up on our blog. So here we go with Vol.3 of “How people found our blog when they were actually looking for something completely different”. Enjoy!

scene where jacob takes off his shirt: Uhm, you got to google this? I mean, Jacob takes off his shirt in about every single scene in New Moon… Honestly, I can hardly remember him wearing a shirt in this movie at all.

NOT part of an uncensored Chippendales video

uncensored chippendales video: The only time I can remember writing about the Chippendales was when I made jokes about Kellan’s “I’m wearing my old Chippendales uniform” photoshoot. So I’m sorry, but we do NOT have an uncensored Chippendales video here.

shaun robinson porn: Shaun Robinson? The woman I once called Queen of 2nd-hand-embarrassment? The one who did all those red carpet interviews at the New Moon premiere? The one who keeps constantly asking Taylor Lautner to take of his shirt? Hey Shaun, don’t forget: He’s seventeen, that’s only legal in Georgia. Just saying. Please let there NOT be any kind of porn featuring her. Cause if this was true I would probably die of 2nd-hand-embarrassment.

A little How to Dazzle Twiporn

top rated twiporn: I don’t know if you’d consider it top rated but we may or may not have made a little Twiporn here on How to Dazzle…

taylor lautner naked: This guy is only seventeen. That’s only legal in Georgia. So unless you don’t mind going to jail for Taylor you should wait for at least another eleven days. Okay, or you just photoshop yourself a few nice naked pics of him until february 11th…

jorts fashion: Oh yes, the wolfpack definitely brought back jorts. The new must have for the summer, for sure! So get your onld jeans out and cut them off. Done!

Sorry Gwyneth, but those shorts are NOT sexy

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leather shorts: Okay, we may have made a couple of jokes about leather pants. Especially red ones. But leather shorts? Why would anyone wear them? Honestly, I just googled it and they do NOT look sexy. At all. I found pictures of Gwyneth Paltrow, Ashley Greene, Mischa Barton and others wearing them. And they did not look good on ANY of those women / girls. Sorry to say.

http://www.arobsex.com: Okay honestly, I have no idea if this site actually exists. Cause no, I did not look it up. Cause I got the feeling that I don’t really wanna know what this is about. I think I can guess what I’ll find there… But why are so many people searching for porn / sex stuff and end up HERE? Of course if this was “A Rob sex” page I might reconsider my decision to not type it in and see what happens…

Please let there NOT be such a fanfic!

bella’s pregnancy fanfiction: How can anyone in their right mind google this? I HATE the Bella is pregnant with a monster baby part. (Have I said this enough already?) I think the birth scene is horrible. So why would anyone write fanfiction about it? And even worse, why should anyone want to read it? Whoever you are that found us by googling this, why don’t you just read a nice and decent (can you call any kind of fanfic decent?) fanfiction like… let’s say Wide Awake? And stop searching for insane Bella pregnant stuff. Please. Kthxbye.

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Off to try and get all those pregnant Bella’s out of my head

Saveyoursoul

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Honestly, why do so many people find us when they’re actually looking for porn / sex stuff? I have no idea! How did you find us? We would love to hear your How to Dazzle story. So please tell us by leaving a comment or (a little more private) send us an e-mail!

(images: google)

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Yesterday we swooned over Ashley Greene, today it’s one of the Twicast’s guys again. As it is Alex Meraz’s birthday I thought it would be great to dedicate him this post and put together all the things we appreciate about him.

Happy birthday Alex!

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Stuff we appreciate about Alex Meraz:

1. That he look like THIS in New Moon… and doesn’t wear a shirt:

2. That he takes a special photo just for us to tell us that he’s the REAL Alex Meraz on Twitter

3. That he tweets stuff like THIS and still makes us think “I bet even now you look a million times hotter than the guy next to me”:

4. That he makes fun of himself and even bothers to tell us that he bought a new kick-ass shirt and made the cashier laugh

5. That there are enough smokin’ hot pics of him out there to cure our eyes after we (accidently) looked at THIS:

6. That if you search hard enough you can find THOSE pics of him which make you feel either like a completely insane stalker or make you pretend you just got up and saw the following happen in your kitchen:

7. That he has an absolutely beautiful wife and a probably super sweet child but basically doesn’t talk about it at all so that we still got the feeling we could have him…

8. That he obviously stole Taylor’s Jacob-shirt on the New Moon set and let’s us know that it fits him WELL

9. That most of the time he looks like THIS so that we can make fantabulous Twiporn (sorry I wrote across the abs…):

10. That he gives answers like THAT when someone asks him what he would like to have for Christmas from Santa:

So that’s it. The Alex Meraz appreciation top ten list. Hope you liked it. And oh, hey Alex, I almost forgot to tell you: Check your mailbox! Cause in there is your present. You know, those super hot pics of me. Wearing a “Skinsuit”. Guess my invitation to your party got lost but hey, don’t worry! I’m absolutely NOT pissed or something… Stuff like that can happen. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure to be there nevertheless ;-)

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Off to dress up for Alex’s birthday party (Do you think I should show up in a wolf-shirt?)

Saveyoursoul

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Did I miss anything? What do you appreciate about Alex Meraz? Did you make a special Alex Twiporn for his birthday? Wanna wish him a wonderful day and that someone thought of getting him a Team Paul cake? Whatever it is, tell us in the comments or via e-mail! And for even more good times follow us on Twitter!

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The picture that started it all...

Oh yes, I just mentioned my dad and Twiporn in one sentence. Something that should never happen again. Ever. I probably need a drink to get over it but I’ll wait for Mama Soul’s birthday tomorrow to not raise suspicions about secretly drinking all alone… But I just gotta tell you the story now! I saw the hot Kellan and Taylor pics from the People’s Choice Awards and inspiration hit me. Twiporn! So I looked at the photos to pick the best ones out and suddenly my dad steps up behind me. Fortunately this was BEFORE I put the texts on them… Maybe I gotta tell you something about Papa Soul first. He owns a gym for well over 20 years now and he’s really into it. If you ever meet him, he’s the guy with the huge arms and the “back when I was a security guy at this super famous club” stories. So he steps up behind me, looks at the Taylor pic for barely a second and before I’m even able to turn away the laptop he starts the following conversation:

Papa Soul: DAMN! What did they give him? HOLY SHIT! Look at his face!
Me: What do you mean? What’s with his face?
Papa Soul: I got no idea what kind of growth hormones** he took but damn his chin is LONG. And see how broad his Jaw is?
Me: Growth hormones? You mean like… doping? Nah, he’s seventeen. He’s still growing and stuff and he put 30 pounds of muscles on for a movie…
Papa Soul: And you believe that? That he’s growing and gained all that weight just by hitting the gym a couple of times?
Me: Well, he had a really great personal trainer and he had to eat a lot, proteins and stuff you know…
Papa Soul: Oh Soul*, how long do I run this gym now? You basically grew up there. I thought you knew better than that. Honestly, trust me! I can tell! If I say he did take something then he DID!

Are you serious dad? You think he tooks steroids? Well, I gotta admit his chin IS long and hid jaw DOES look waayy broader than last time I saw pics of him… Hope it is the angle cause honestly Taylor, whatever it is, I liked your old face better! Oh, but I totally forgot what this post was actually supposed to be about… so here comes the Twiporn I made as soon as I was alone again, the People’s Choice edition:

Oh and look what I found on my harddrive! For old times sake:

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Off to swoon over old Taylor pics

Saveyoursoul

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** Just in case you don’t know: very popular doping in bodybuilding. Good to gain weight but unfortunately makes your bones grow too. Easily to be seen in the jaw / chin region. Remember those hardcore bodybuilding ladies that look like men? That’s why!

* No, of course my dad does NOT call me by my fake name in real life. We’re not THAT crazy…

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So what do you think? Is Papa Soul paranoid being involved in the bodybuilding industry for too long? Does Taylor’s face look different somehow? Cause I think it does… Leave a comment or e-mail us if you got any other theories (Deformation by being punched in the face? Too many meatballs?) or just want to share random hot Taylor pics ;-)
Oh, and are you following us on Twitter yet? NO? Then do it NOW!

(images: google and Twifans.com; modified by me)

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Ever since Soul and me founded our little Twilight-bookclub, she was constantly raving about the “cookie-book”, formally called “Wide Awake”.

The Cookie-Book, aka Wide Awake

In all her pent-up excitement about it, Soul even started a mission on baking even more cookies than Bella did in this story. White Chocolate Chips, Apple-Cinnamon, Strawberry-Marmelade, Peanutbutter, or my favourite, the ones with Smarties…. my mouth still starts watering every time I think about them, and I don’t know if she probably started baking the cookies in order to win someone over with them, maybe thinking about an imaginary Edward, but either way, she definitely succeeded in winning me over for her cookies!!

And, she didn’t just win me over for her cookies, I was also getting more and more interested in the cookie-book.

Wide Awake - Or rather not...?

In the beginning I was a bit sceptical about it, because even though it’s going along the plotlines of Twilight, the cookie-story is still altered quite a bit, and so are the characters. And I was a bit scared to destroy the feelings I had about Twilight by reading a story with similar, but at the same time completely different people, for in case I didn’t like it, what if I could never really get back to Twilight again (omg, I’m actually talking about complicated feelings I have for a book!!^^)? And anyway, all the stuff I heard about fanfic being porn just in a “better way”, I have to admit, it kind of embarrassed me. So all in all, you understand the inner struggle I felt^^ And so all these feelings competed with each others, the curiosity on the one hand and the fear on the other. Until the curiosity finally won over, and I asked Soul for a copy of the “document” (because, of course, she’s keeping it in her “important work documents” folder on her laptop, all the time)!! I think she was just as excited as I was regarding that I was finally going to read it, because then she would finally have someone to talk about it.

Badass cookie-Edward, even sexier than cheesy vampire-Edward!

So, I started reading the book like 5 days ago, and I already reached chapter 20 of 52. And my conclusion is: I love it!! I love the characters, the new story, especially the new dirty badass Cookie-Edward and the fact that Cookie-Jasper is coming up so much more often!! I have to say, the story is sometimes quite dark and creepy, but all in all, just as engaging as Twilight is. The only thing that was kind of weird while reading were the very detailed descriptions of the Cookie-Edward-and-Bella-aahem-“interactions”^^ I have to say, they were not the hardcore porn parts I was expecting, at least not until now, because all that really happened so far were two kisses, but well, it already was very detailed^^ And I’m pretty sure there’s some more to come. And even though the scenes were still not too bad considering what I was expecting, I already felt kind of like reading a porn (which is kind of meaning something since it is about kisses). I’m already curios where else the story is going to end up, I mean I guess I already know that haha, but I’m actually more curios if it’s going to be awkward or cool^^

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But anyway, I’m already looking forward to reading some more of the cookie-book aka Wide Awake tonight, and I’m glad that Soul brought it to me, as she already did with so much other cool stuff. I should appoint her my personal book-advisor^^ So in honour to Soul: I was thinking about making this a kind of series about me reading the cookie-book, because I know you good enough to be sure that’s what you’ve been dying for ever since you sent it to me!! Haha alright, maybe I’m a bit exaggerating with “dying for”. Kind of makes you sound like a complete addict. But even so – aren’t we all? ;-)

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Off to read some more about Cookie-Edward and Cookie-Bella,

ZeldaTheTwilightPrincess

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If you should feel a desire now to get reading Wide Awake straight away, check it out here!! Or have you already read it and want to tell us about the feelings you had while reading? Or maybe you know some other good fanfic you want to share with us, go for it!! Just leave a comment or email us!!

(pictures: google)

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Yep, you heard me right. I just said porn. But be assured I didn’t mean this in any perv kind of way. Know Rob-porn? It’s something the LTT-Ladies invented. Or at least that’s were I got the term from. And because I loved what they did so much, I decided we just start making our own hot Twi-cast porn here at HTD. Today it’s saturday, so lay back and start your weekend by enjoying the wonderful stuff we created for you!

Uhm, yes! I guess that’s something we all can’t wait to see…

Oh yes, I do. Why wait for february if we can just move to Georgia…

Oh Alex, you know me so well… And you’re totally right. I love when you do this!

Mmmh, I love me some dessert. Usually it’s Panna Cotta or something containing Chocolate, but I wouldn’t say no to that one either…

Okay, this one is for Zelda. Because she kind of has a thing for Jasper. Guess what! She even likes his hair / bad wig…

Zelda, girl? Are you still here? Guess she just fell down unconscious… Hm, hope she’s back tomorrow with her post.

Okay, that’s it for today. Wanna see more hot Twi-cast porn? Then keep coming back! Cause we decided to make a series out of it just like we did with the funny Monday stuff. So check out what we come up with next week!

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Off to make some more Twi-porn to print out and place over my bed

Saveyoursoul

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Like our hot Twi-cast porn? Made some for yourself? Wanna share your favorite ones? Then do so in the comments or send an e-mail!

(images: google, modified by me; Yeah, I’m that talented… ;-) )

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