Yesterday I saw pics of Kristen in Australia. And I got the slight feeling she’s not doing that well and really needs our help! Want proof? Here!
So when I saw these pics I immediately rounded up Zelda who has (as you may know by now) spent about 8 months in Australia back in the days when we had no idea such wonderful things as sparkly vampires existed. aka the time when we still had real lives. It took her all of ten seconds to come up with this wonderful guide to help out Kristen and Taylor and make their trip to Australia truly unforgettable:
The Zelda-Guide to Happiness in Down-Under
(Uhm yeah, that DID sound kinda dirty. You CAN add that’s what she said here… sorry! Or no, not sorry. I totally did that on purpose. You could have seen that Down-Under joke coming though, you know me by now! )
NO! DON'T! Cause NO ONE will lick it off! That stuff is disgusting as hell!
1. Do NEVER let anyone talk you into trying vegemite. Ever. Cause it doesn’t taste good. At all. Trust me! Just don’t!
2. “Thong” has a different meaning as in other countries. So before you say it, google it! Or better: look it up at Urban Dictionary. Now!
3. When watching TV in your hotel rooms you might discover that every five minutes you will see the exact same five commercials. You got two options: Get even MORE pissed than you already are judged by the pics above or just starting to sing along cause you will know them by heart in less than one day anyway. I bet Taylor will choose option two. We all know how much he likes to sing, so don’t spoil him all the fun, Kristen!
4. Beware of all the highly poisonous snakes / spiders / cockroaches / scorpions / various other insects that might hide in your shoes / clothes / beds… Well, basically EVERYWHERE. To help you to keep that in mind, learn the following song by heart:
5. Everyone always says “bloody hell” so it’s perfectly fine to talk all hardcore, Kristen.
6. Most washing machines only wash with COLD water. Which means the stains from the night before will NOT vanish. So if you want to cover up your latest pub-tour just put on a new shirt!
7. Coming to speak of pubs: CONGRATS! You are in a country where the legal drinking age is 18!!! This means you are both free to get drunk as hell as long as you don’t plan on driving. After Taylor’s confession on Oprah that he never smoked or drank alcohol, we were a bit worried to be honest. I mean, you have to get drunk at least ONCE in your life. Right? And Kristen, we think you might just be the perfect person to introduce little Taytay to liquor! And hangovers. Vodka and coke on tap might be a good start. Or try Jagerbombs. Like several. They could make a Jagertrain for you! We know Taylor likes spectacular stuff, that’s why he’s always doing those martial arts tricks, right?
But we know you actually like it hardcore (TWSS) so why not try goon as well? Four liter wine for only five dollar! Includes fish, egg and leftovers of milk (whatever that means) plus ensures you major drunkness and the worst hangover EVER! Go slap the goon, Kristen!
Alright dear Taylor and Kristen, that’s all for now! If you should need more of Zelda’s precious Australia tips, just give us a call! Also please feel free to print this out, laminate and then carry with you every single second of the rest of your Australia trip. And could you please write down “We love How to Dazzle” on the back so that everyone can see it? Awesome! You’re welcome!
Your personal travel guide girls
Zelda & Soul
Have you ever been to Australia? What are your tips for Taylor and Kristen? Anything important Zelda forgot to mention? And how awesome is it that she spent 8 months Down-Under (I truly missed her so much!) so we can now give out all those Aussie insider knowledge? Leave a comment or e-mail us!
(videos: YouTube; images: Google and JustJared)
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